Shoulder to shoulder: why men talk better when they're doing something

Think about the best conversations you've had with your mates.

Chances are, you weren't sat across a table staring at each other. You were in the car. On a long walk. Fixing something in the garage. Waiting at the bar. Kicking a ball about.

There's a reason for that.

Face to face feels like an interview

Sitting opposite someone and being asked "how are you really doing?" can feel like being put on the spot. There's eye contact, there's silence to fill, and there's nowhere to look. For a lot of men, the easiest way out is "yeah, fine".

Side by side takes the pressure off

When you're doing something together, the activity carries the conversation. You can say something real and then go straight back to what you were doing. Nobody's staring. Silences aren't awkward, because you're busy. And because there's no big "let's talk" moment, things come out more naturally.

People sometimes call this "shoulder to shoulder" talking, and it's why so many men's groups are built around doing something: walking, football, sheds, fishing, training.

Why BROS events are built this way

That's exactly why our first event is a training session with Body Ethics, and why BROS nights have games consoles in the corner. The point isn't the workout or the game. The point is that it gives you a reason to be there, and a way in.

Nobody has to share anything. But if you want to, there's a mate next to you, and that's often all it takes.

Try it with a mate this week

If someone you know has gone a bit quiet, don't sit them down for a big chat. Ask them to come for a walk, a game or a session at the gym. Then just be there. Ask once. Ask twice. Let them talk if they want to.

See our next event.

If you or a mate needs to talk to someone right now, call Samaritans free on 116 123, any time. More numbers on our Get Help page.